Wednesday, January 11, 2012


It is often in times of great tragedy that we realize how lucky we are.

Isn't that sad? It takes a tragedy to make you value what you should have been valuing all along?

Do not get me wrong. I make it a point to tell my husband that I love him daily, and thank him for the things he does, no matter how small. I wake my baby and put her to bed saying I love her. I am very thankful for her every moment.

But I am only human. And sometimes I lose sight of how eternally lucky I am for the gifts that I have. I didn't sleep well and am cranky. I have to stay at school until 5pm and rush through the things I need to do tonight--stuff diapers, wash and prep bottles, fill my 5 water bottles for school, oh and eat dinner. These thoughts, this to-do list overtakes my brain and becomes priority one.

Today, a woman is grieving the loss of her precious baby son at 3 and a half months. After overcoming the early loss of a triplet, and the loss of twins at 23 weeks. Her son, HER GIFT, her rainbow and her promise for a brighter future has been ripped from her grasp.

Life. It fucking sucks sometimes.

Today, I will pick up my baby at 5 o'clock. I will hold her and love her every moment I can. I will remember that diapers and bottles and every other little bit of stress do.not.matter. And how dare I ever think they do?

What matters is her. My precious baby. Her smiles and her laughter and yes, even her late-night cries. She matters. And nothing on this earth matters more than her.

Rest well, sweet baby Z. The world has lost some sunshine without you here.

Friday, January 6, 2012

5 months!

Dear Evelyn,

You are 5 months old today! 5! That’s a whole handful. And you are a handful as well 
Your smiles and laughs brighten our days, and with each new dawn, your personality is becoming more and more clear. You are independent and tenacious. You want to do things without help! Whether that’s eat, sit up, roll over, anything—YOU want to do it. Daddy and I had already decided to feed you via BLW and skip purees. Out of sheer curiousity, I bought a few purees and attempted to spoon feed you. I say attempted because you DID eat. YOU just had to do it. I would dip the spoon, hold it up and down in front of you, you would grasp it with both hands and shove it in your mouth. You had an 80% success rate, too, sometimes hitting your cheek or eye first, but in general, finding your mouth easily! It was just another example of how you want to take care of your own business.

Your sleep lately has been a little more touch and go than previous months. You slept last night from 8pm until 430 am and that’s the longest stretch in this month. It has been a little rough on mommy—I can’t lie. But I know you will sleep when you are ready and I trust your tummy is sending the right cues for now.

Another thing you are, my dearest, is happy. You are happy and smiley and giggly and you LOVE so purely. Your face lights up when Daddy gets home. You snuggle into my shoulder so perfectly at a nighttime feeding. Your huge smile flashes whenever Lucy or Beezer walks by. In the mornings, now, when you are playing in your exersaucer as I eat, I just have to look at you and you SMILE. When you smile, your whole face smiles. You are becoming more interactive with the animals, who are starting to know and care who you are 

Over Christmas break, you rolled over from back to tummy for the first time. Since then, you haven’t done it much unless you are on the changing table, in which case, it’s all you want to do. You can stand while we hold your hands. You can sit unsupported for a few brief moments, and you are desperately desperately trying to sit up from lying down, but I think that’s still a ways away. Tomorrow, you will try avocado for the first time. A real avocado because purees are too messy anyway 

During break, Mommy and Daddy were both quite sick. So were you, but we wouldn’t have known it from your sunny personality. One day, you went to daycare and I stayed home with a fever. When Daddy brought you home, and I went over to you, you smiled so big and grabbed my face and pulled it into yours. Oh Evelyn, I would be sick every single day to feel that love burst from my heart. It was perfect. You are perfect.

Christmas was fantastic. You eagerly grabbed and pulled on the paper for each of your gifts. You, of course, have no idea what you were doing or why. But you like paper, so you handled that just fine  You were spoiled by our families, but it is just because you are so loved.

It is 2012 now, Evelyn, and you will turn 1 this year. I can hardly believe it. Please let time slow down so we can take in every moment of you now.