Whosah mah baby?

It's like our own special language together. I say those three words in my mommy voice and her eyes light up and her smile falls across her face.

It doesn't take much to make this little girl smile. Her puppy walking by. Her daddy's voice on the phone. A silly phrase, or a bib upturned on her face.

I am amazed by how much she is LEARNING. We play our bib game, and now, she puts the bib there herself. And waits. Because she knows that next, Mommy will flip it down and cry out BOO and she will smile and laugh and the cycle will begin again. She can bring a toy to her, and after a few tries, eventually get it in her mouth. We have started using the simple baby signs around her, and she stares intently at our hands, then looks down at hers, as though she is trying to figure it out but hasn't made the final connection yet.

I was telling my PRIDE students today that her favorite thing to do is hold things. What a life, I quiped, that holding a blanket would be so enjoyable. But she does love to hold things. Our family photos would have taken 20 minutes less time if she hadn't continuously grabbed and pulled the blankets from underneath her.

My favorite time is the morning, when she wakes up on her own, because she is so happy. I sneak in and undo the first part of her swaddle. Her arm immediately stretches to the sky. I pull out the second part and the other arm goes up and her back arches and she strettttttches. I take her to her changing table to begin the diaper change and her little eyes blink open, halfway at first, then all the way. And her smile easily washes across her face as we lock eyes, and I know she is saying, "Why Good Morning, Momma!" She giggles throughout the change--I don't know if she anticpates bathtime each time, or if she truly loves getting dressed after, but its apparently hilarious. Then she snuggles into my breast for breakfast, undoubtedly unleashes an explosive poop, and pops off. Then, she chats endlessly until Daddy comes in to take her for her next change, and that smile, that face-enveloping smile once again dances across her cheeks for him.

She is so smiley. She is so happy and talkative. This little girl is so much fun and I can't wait to see what tomorrow brings.

The power of friendship

Not too long ago, I was struggling--I mean REALLY struggling with lingering thoughts from Evelyn's birth. I couldn't get the feeling of loss out of my head. Not even that the birth didn't go the way I had planned. I could find a way to deal with that. What I hated was that I couldn't remember. I still can't. They had pushed so many drugs into my IV, since I was feeling the surgery, that it knocked me clean out. All I do remember was seeing her in a fog, having no idea where I was, who she was, why Chris was pointing to her, or why I was so cold. Typing it/thinking it still makes me feel queasy, honestly. I don't mind the csection, but I absolutely mind not having that flooding feeling of love and admiration for my baby. Hell, I wish I just knew who she was in that moment. That emotional confliction has been very tough to swallow.

So instead of continuing to suffer alone, I reached out to two friends. Of these two friends, one I have never met.

The one I have never met did everything in her power to reassure me as to the normalcy of my feelings. She too had an unplanned csection. She was aware of the feeling of loss. Just knowing she understood and would take time out of her busy day to talk with me about it started to put a bandaid over my heart. I so appreciate her kindness and love.

The other was my dearest friend Susan, who was at the birth. I confided in her that sometimes I questioned my love for my baby, because I didn't love her right away. I know that not everyone feels that intense love right away--cognizant or not of their surroundings. But I know me. And I know that in my right, undrugged mind, I would have. So I wondered if I didn't love her the way that I should because of it. Susan, in her amazing and thoughtful way, sent me a picture she had taken of me and Evelyn moments after we first met. I don't think I had seen the picture prior to this. And in the accompanying email, she explained that even if I didn't FEEL like I loved her, all she had to do was look at this picture, and look at my face. And all she could see was the pure love of a mother enamoured with her daughter.

That email? Basically changed everything.

Being an OCD control freak, it is difficult when I cannot control situations, emotions, anything. I love control. I thrive on routine. I do not do well with spontaneous situations. All of this comes into play with my guilt regarding Evelyn's birth. I could find ways to deal with that on my own.

But it took these two ladies to remind me, and show me, that even if I was not confident about my emotions, they were normal. And they were clear to observers. And most of all, my baby felt so very loved in the moments following her birth. She was wrapped up in the warmth of her daddy before she was given to me, and she could feel that her mommy loved her. Even if her mommy doesn't quite remember. I am so very thankful to have these wonderful people in my life to remind me when I need reminding and love me when I need love.

You are 3 months old!

First of all, you might notice a lack of update from 2 months. Take that as a sign that the window between 1 and 3 months was not your shining moment. But things are much better now :)

So, my darling baby girl, you are 3 months old.

Things you love:
YOURDADDY. Just hearing his voice makes you smile. Mommy is a little (A TON) jealous.
Your nightnight blanket.
Eating. I don't forsee that every changing.
Your friend-light (the chandalier above the changing table)
The bib game with mommy (think "peek-a-boo")
SLEEPING (on most nights).
Did I say eating?

Things you are not too fond of:
The snot sucker (and you are suffering from your first cold)
Waking up in the morning
Getting out of the bath (you would stay in for hours)

Things you can do:
Smile
Talk
Giggle
Roll from tummy to back
Hold your head up with all control
Reach for and hold onto toys
Follow anything with your eyes (your puppy and kitty are your favorite to watch)
Sleep through the night

You are growing and changing every single day. We are amazed at how much you can do. You are starting to get your own little personality, and it is a LOUD one :) You love to make noise, splash around, and be a busy girl. I don't think there will ever be a dull moment with you.

We love you so much, Evelyn, and can't wait to see what the next month will bring!

Tell Me, Have You Ever Wanted Someone So Bad It Hurts?

Dearest Matthew:

Monday is your birthday.
So first of all, happy birthday, Cowboy.

There is so much I want to say to you. There are so many words in my heart for you that it is beyond capacity--it is about to burst at the seams. I can't even express how badly I wish I could say them to you, snuggling your sweet face at your first birthday party. That's what I wish I could do.

Matthew, in the year since you were born, a lot has happened. Some things have changed. Some things never change.

I know you are so proud of your mommy, so I don't have to *tell* you to be proud of her. But you should be. Your mommy is simply one of the greatest people I have ever known. She is strong and she is loving and she is so full of grace and kindness.

In the year since you were born, your mommy and daddy have been working hard to impact the lives of children in need of their love. They are eager and willing to take on what others view as a challenge. They cannot wait to carry on the spirit of you and your sister in the name of love for these children.

In the year since you were born, I got pregnant and had a baby girl. There are times, Matthew, when she laughs in her sleep and I would swear, hand on a Bible, that she's dreaming of playing with you and your sister. I felt the two of you SO strong with me after my operation. When your mommy came in and cried and hugged me and held me, I whispered as such to her. You were with us, watching over my baby girl and me and your mommy. It was so special and meaningful to have your mommy with us. I know how important Evelyn is to her, and I know without a doubt that you and Katie are keeping a close eye on her for us.

In the year since you were born, there has been a lot of tears. There have been moments of unbearable pain. There were times when Mommy and me held each other in restaurants and cried, imagining my Papa holding you and rocking you in his arms. There were days where all I could think of was you.

But, Matthew, in the year since you were born, there has been unbelievable joy. There have been vacations and visits. There have been true friendships. Oh, Matthew, there has been laughter. There has been "that's what she said," and beach photos and shopping trips and backrubs and cuddles and so, so much love.

If I could do two things differently, having known how things would turn out, it would be this. One, I would have held your mommy tighter, rubbed her belly a little more, and told you I loved you more through her tummy. Two, I would have been by her side in the hospital, the way she was for me. But these things, I cannot change.

What I can do is continue living my life in honor of your sister and you. I can hold Evelyn close and know how lucky I am to have her. I can remind myself, in moments of anger or desperation, that she is a blessing. I can continue to share her love with your mommy, and be sure that I am the best possible friend I can be. Because she deserves it, doesn't she? You are so lucky to have such an amazing mommy. And everyone who has her in their lives is equally as lucky.

Matthew, this year without you has hurt. I miss you. I miss the 23 weeks of absolute joy you brought your mommy. I miss you in ways I can hardly understand, because I didn't get to hold you or love you or kiss you, the way I see your mommy do to MY baby. And I miss that. I hate that I never got that chance--to show you how much I love you. But this year has taught me so much. It has given me hope and guidance. It has kept me strong in times of sadness. You, Matthew, have done that. Because we miss you and it hurts. But that's not all. We miss you and it's beautiful. We miss you and are full of your love. We miss you and it's overwhelmingly amazing, because to MISS you, we had to have HAD you. And no matter how short or how long it lasted, we had you, Matthew. And we are all better for it.

I don't really know how to end this, and I don't want to end it. In a way, I never do. I carry you with me everywhere I go. You and Katie have changed my heart in such a magnificent way. So instead of ending it, I will turn to what I often do, and that is a song. A song that spoke to me tonight and reminded me of you. I love you, Matthew, and I miss you every day. Thank you for all you have given me.

Tell me have you ever wanted
Someone so much it hurts?

Your lips keep trying to speak
But you just can’t find the words

Well I had this dream once;
I held it in my hands

She was the purest beauty
But not the common kind

She had a way about her
That made you feel alive

And for a moment
You made the world stand still

Yeah we owned the night

You are one month old

I am running a little behind, and Evelyn is actually 5 weeks old now, but oh well.

Things you love:
~FOOD (your 11 lb weight demonstrates that easily, and I'm convinced your first social smile will be at my boob)
~Your Nuk bottle from daddy
~The swing and the bouncer
~The car! You fall right asleep or happily "talk" to yourself
~The bath. You have taken to cooing at the pretty baby in the mirror, who always seems to take a bath at the SAME TIME as you :)
~The moby wrap!

Things you hate:
~Being hungry
~Being wet (a new development, you used to not really care)
~The gas bubbles in your tummy

Things you can do:
~Purposefully move your arms (the purpose is usually added emphasis whilest screaming)
~Hold your head up on your own
~Push off the floor during tummytime
~Roll from back to side, then you try REALLY hard to get to your tummy but you're still stuck there
~Respond and turn to loud noises
~Easily go from bottle to boob with no issues
~SLEEP THROUGH THE NIGHT (5 hours is the definition of STTN for newborns. We usually get 5, sometimes 6-8).

Every day, you get bigger, stronger, and more alert. You have started laughing in your sleep. We can't wait until it's for us. Your daddy loves you so much, and can't get enough of you. I am amazed by how much you have changed already.

You are teaching me to be a better person, mainly by being more patient and not being so obsessive about control. But work with me, baby. Momma is a work in progress, and I'm still learning that my house won't be as clean, or that I have to take a shower on your timetable and not my own. I know that together, we can do it :)

My amazing husband: In scenes

Scene one:
(Baby has been fussy and fighting sleep all day. has been eating in spurts and I can barely put her down. At 5:30 pm, she is FINALLY asleep on my chest)
Husband: Give her to me. Take a nap. Now.

*swoon* 1.5 hour nap.

Scene two:
(Husband has made delicious dinner and I am trying to scarf it down in case she gets hungry. Of course, she ends up screaming. Husband makes executive decision to take her upstairs and give her a bath himself. I can eat in peace AND spend some time cleaning the kitchen--which I enjoy doing)

*swoon* Take charge attitude Yayyyy

Scene three:
(I walk upstairs after eating and cleaning to see a sign outside the Master bedroom that says "No Mommies Allowed :)" I ask if I can come in now. Husband is dressing and swaddling the baby. Playing James Taylor on his ipod. Spends 4 minutes dancing and singing "How Sweet it is to be Loved By You." Baby gazes contentedly at her daddy the entire time).

*swoon and cue tears*

****edited to add scene four:*******
(Husband gets home from work. Takes baby upstairs and tells me to do whatever I want for an hour. I eat lunch, watch the Office, tidy the living room and swiffer the floors. All with no one at my boob!)

*swoon* Mommytime.

This little girl won the Daddy jackpot for sure.

Things you don't expect to be so hard.

I didn't expect labor to be so hard, but then again, I wasn't expecting to endure back labor due to a sunny side up baby. So I tried to chalk that one up to bad luck. And being naive ;)

But what's really hard? Breastfeeding.

Call me crazy, but I had this slightly romantic notion in my head about what it would be like to nourish my baby. How empowering it must feel! Only I can give her what she truly needs! And our hospital is so very pro-bfing that formula isn't even mentioned or discussed (although I assume they will provide it). The first 6 months, no question. That's all I heard the 3 days in the hospital. And I didn't even care because I was planning on going until she weans, whether that be 9 months or 19.

But for something so natural--so innate--breastfeeding is hard.

And there are multiple things that are hard about it. At first, it's latch. Even before you realize it's bad, you have blisters and blood. Thankfully, they fade quickly. My very pro bfing hospital has amazing resources, and a quick visit from the head nurse took care of all that.

Then, it's waiting for the real milk to come in. Which, if you're like me, is a slow process. I got a little bit, just enough to keep her from screaming consistently, but not enough to give her more than 45 minutes of sleep at a time. And you feel like already you're failing at this incredible task of feeding your child. Then, BOOM it comes in and you can't get rid of it fast enough and you have at least 24 hours of engorgement. But, just like the other frustrations, that fades quickly too.

At nearly 2 weeks old, we have settled into a pretty good routine. Evelyn likes a variety of holds, has a great latch, and sucks like a champ. What she also does? Clamp down. I haven't yet figured out how to manage that one. Emailed the Lc today to get some tips. But overall, she eats well, she sleeps, and she has plenty of wet and poopy diapers.

So what remains hard? It's difficult to explain. While I have lived the romantic ideal that I originally anticipated--moments of gazing into my baby's eyes as she nurses and tightly grips my pinky finger--it's not always like that. Even when it's not difficult, there's something difficult in having a baby attached to you nearly half the day. You can't go to the bathroom when you want to (unless you want to listen to the screaming), you can't hand her off to your husband when you want to shower (you have to wait until she's asleep, which, granted, doesn't take forever, but still). My husband has gone to play basketball for 3 hours and down to the hot tub on his whimsy (only after asking of course). I can't even think about a pedicure yet because even if I feed her before I go, I would feel terrible for her and my husband if it wasn't enough and she spent the hour screaming. I don't want her to be hungry! It's also conflicting because I don't want to leave her. I want to feed her and I want her to know that I always will. But there's this tiny part of you that feels a little held back.

And saying all that makes one feel quite selfish. After all, my job, as they said at the hospital, for the next month is to love her and feed her. And I am doing that. But I am also a type A planner who gets bored with too much downtime. I love cleaning and I never thought I'd enjoy dusting as much as I did yesterday when I got 20 minutes to clean. It was fantastic. So while I am happy to do this for her, I tihnk I'm just a little...bored?

Two weeks in, this is just simple adjustment. I know that. But it's funny. People tell you before you bf that it will be so rewarding and so hard. You just don't really know what that means until you are living it. It's magical. And it's difficult. just like all things parenting.

*************************
General Evie updates:
We have started our CDs. She is indifferent to wet diapers so we have to keep an eye on them. She still hates being changed though.

Her cord is THISCLOSE to falling off. Probably by teh end of the week.

She has this hilarious "fall asleep" ritual that she goes through. I think she dreams of being fed. It starts with heavy panting breathing. Then there is a sleep smile. Then she smacks her lips and sucks and swallows and squeaks. Then she throws her arms and legs out. Rinse repeat a few times before she falls into deep sleep. she goes through the same ritual every night, swaddled or unswaddled. It's hilarious.

She officially needs a bib on to nurse because she is a messymilkface.

Her eyes remain blue for now!

She got to video chat with Nana and Papa on Monday!

She loves to stare at her kitty (he's black, good contrast).

She slept for 4 straight hours last night!!!

She's the cutest and most amazing baby ever in the whole world. Fact.