It is often in times of great tragedy that we realize how lucky we are.
Isn't that sad? It takes a tragedy to make you value what you should have been valuing all along?
Do not get me wrong. I make it a point to tell my husband that I love him daily, and thank him for the things he does, no matter how small. I wake my baby and put her to bed saying I love her. I am very thankful for her every moment.
But I am only human. And sometimes I lose sight of how eternally lucky I am for the gifts that I have. I didn't sleep well and am cranky. I have to stay at school until 5pm and rush through the things I need to do tonight--stuff diapers, wash and prep bottles, fill my 5 water bottles for school, oh and eat dinner. These thoughts, this to-do list overtakes my brain and becomes priority one.
Today, a woman is grieving the loss of her precious baby son at 3 and a half months. After overcoming the early loss of a triplet, and the loss of twins at 23 weeks. Her son, HER GIFT, her rainbow and her promise for a brighter future has been ripped from her grasp.
Life. It fucking sucks sometimes.
Today, I will pick up my baby at 5 o'clock. I will hold her and love her every moment I can. I will remember that diapers and bottles and every other little bit of stress do.not.matter. And how dare I ever think they do?
What matters is her. My precious baby. Her smiles and her laughter and yes, even her late-night cries. She matters. And nothing on this earth matters more than her.
Rest well, sweet baby Z. The world has lost some sunshine without you here.
Wednesday, January 11, 2012
Friday, January 6, 2012
5 months!
Dear Evelyn,
You are 5 months old today! 5! That’s a whole handful. And you are a handful as well
Your smiles and laughs brighten our days, and with each new dawn, your personality is becoming more and more clear. You are independent and tenacious. You want to do things without help! Whether that’s eat, sit up, roll over, anything—YOU want to do it. Daddy and I had already decided to feed you via BLW and skip purees. Out of sheer curiousity, I bought a few purees and attempted to spoon feed you. I say attempted because you DID eat. YOU just had to do it. I would dip the spoon, hold it up and down in front of you, you would grasp it with both hands and shove it in your mouth. You had an 80% success rate, too, sometimes hitting your cheek or eye first, but in general, finding your mouth easily! It was just another example of how you want to take care of your own business.
Your sleep lately has been a little more touch and go than previous months. You slept last night from 8pm until 430 am and that’s the longest stretch in this month. It has been a little rough on mommy—I can’t lie. But I know you will sleep when you are ready and I trust your tummy is sending the right cues for now.
Another thing you are, my dearest, is happy. You are happy and smiley and giggly and you LOVE so purely. Your face lights up when Daddy gets home. You snuggle into my shoulder so perfectly at a nighttime feeding. Your huge smile flashes whenever Lucy or Beezer walks by. In the mornings, now, when you are playing in your exersaucer as I eat, I just have to look at you and you SMILE. When you smile, your whole face smiles. You are becoming more interactive with the animals, who are starting to know and care who you are
Over Christmas break, you rolled over from back to tummy for the first time. Since then, you haven’t done it much unless you are on the changing table, in which case, it’s all you want to do. You can stand while we hold your hands. You can sit unsupported for a few brief moments, and you are desperately desperately trying to sit up from lying down, but I think that’s still a ways away. Tomorrow, you will try avocado for the first time. A real avocado because purees are too messy anyway
During break, Mommy and Daddy were both quite sick. So were you, but we wouldn’t have known it from your sunny personality. One day, you went to daycare and I stayed home with a fever. When Daddy brought you home, and I went over to you, you smiled so big and grabbed my face and pulled it into yours. Oh Evelyn, I would be sick every single day to feel that love burst from my heart. It was perfect. You are perfect.
Christmas was fantastic. You eagerly grabbed and pulled on the paper for each of your gifts. You, of course, have no idea what you were doing or why. But you like paper, so you handled that just fine You were spoiled by our families, but it is just because you are so loved.
It is 2012 now, Evelyn, and you will turn 1 this year. I can hardly believe it. Please let time slow down so we can take in every moment of you now.
You are 5 months old today! 5! That’s a whole handful. And you are a handful as well
Your smiles and laughs brighten our days, and with each new dawn, your personality is becoming more and more clear. You are independent and tenacious. You want to do things without help! Whether that’s eat, sit up, roll over, anything—YOU want to do it. Daddy and I had already decided to feed you via BLW and skip purees. Out of sheer curiousity, I bought a few purees and attempted to spoon feed you. I say attempted because you DID eat. YOU just had to do it. I would dip the spoon, hold it up and down in front of you, you would grasp it with both hands and shove it in your mouth. You had an 80% success rate, too, sometimes hitting your cheek or eye first, but in general, finding your mouth easily! It was just another example of how you want to take care of your own business.
Your sleep lately has been a little more touch and go than previous months. You slept last night from 8pm until 430 am and that’s the longest stretch in this month. It has been a little rough on mommy—I can’t lie. But I know you will sleep when you are ready and I trust your tummy is sending the right cues for now.
Another thing you are, my dearest, is happy. You are happy and smiley and giggly and you LOVE so purely. Your face lights up when Daddy gets home. You snuggle into my shoulder so perfectly at a nighttime feeding. Your huge smile flashes whenever Lucy or Beezer walks by. In the mornings, now, when you are playing in your exersaucer as I eat, I just have to look at you and you SMILE. When you smile, your whole face smiles. You are becoming more interactive with the animals, who are starting to know and care who you are
Over Christmas break, you rolled over from back to tummy for the first time. Since then, you haven’t done it much unless you are on the changing table, in which case, it’s all you want to do. You can stand while we hold your hands. You can sit unsupported for a few brief moments, and you are desperately desperately trying to sit up from lying down, but I think that’s still a ways away. Tomorrow, you will try avocado for the first time. A real avocado because purees are too messy anyway
During break, Mommy and Daddy were both quite sick. So were you, but we wouldn’t have known it from your sunny personality. One day, you went to daycare and I stayed home with a fever. When Daddy brought you home, and I went over to you, you smiled so big and grabbed my face and pulled it into yours. Oh Evelyn, I would be sick every single day to feel that love burst from my heart. It was perfect. You are perfect.
Christmas was fantastic. You eagerly grabbed and pulled on the paper for each of your gifts. You, of course, have no idea what you were doing or why. But you like paper, so you handled that just fine You were spoiled by our families, but it is just because you are so loved.
It is 2012 now, Evelyn, and you will turn 1 this year. I can hardly believe it. Please let time slow down so we can take in every moment of you now.
Saturday, December 24, 2011
Merry First Christmas
You are undoubtedly and whole heartedly the most amazing gift we have ever received.
Tuesday, December 6, 2011
You are 4 months old today
And mommy is posting on time! YAY!
Oh my goodness, Evelyn. You are 4 months old today. And already turning into a busy, talkative, happy-go-lucky, amazing little person.
You bring us such joy in the littlest ways. I don't think there is a single thing on this earth Daddy WOULDN'T do just to hear you laugh. He loves you so much. Your giggle is probably the best thing you have given us yet :)
I wrote last week about my favorite times with you, snuggly happy mornings. You wake refreshed, ready to great the world and start your day. You happily transition to daycare and have yet to cry when I drop you off (pleaseneverdothatpleaseneverdothat). In fact, you are starting to cry so rarely. It is reserved for VERY hungry or middle of the night when you need to be heard :)
You are still sleeping through the night about 60% of the time. I'll take those odds. But last night, apparently you wanted to see the world 3 whole times at night. Yay for you :P
Things you can do:
Roll from tummy to back
You are SOCLOSE to back to tummy
You can grab toys purposefully and do what they require (pull, shake, etc)
You can put your pacifier in your mouth (it takes a few backwards tries and maybe an angry shout)
You can hold your bottle! And you LOVE doing it. It doesn't last for *very* long, but you are nearly there.
BOY CAN YOU TALK!!!!!!
I'm convinced your favorite thing on this earth is your puppy. Just seeing her fills you with giggles. She is starting to realize that you will be fun for her soon.
Aunt Ashley has this great phrase on her blog: Remember this. So I wanted to list a few things to be sure I remember.
1. Your droolydrooly smile
2. The way you pop off of the breast when I start talking and gaze up at me with your little face and then break into a smile
3. Your splashtime shenanegins in the bathtub
4. Your 360 rotation on your playmat
And most of all, how much I love you today, and that it will grow times a billion by tomorrow. You are growing, you are perfect, and you are simply, Ours.
We love you Baby Girl.
Oh my goodness, Evelyn. You are 4 months old today. And already turning into a busy, talkative, happy-go-lucky, amazing little person.
You bring us such joy in the littlest ways. I don't think there is a single thing on this earth Daddy WOULDN'T do just to hear you laugh. He loves you so much. Your giggle is probably the best thing you have given us yet :)
I wrote last week about my favorite times with you, snuggly happy mornings. You wake refreshed, ready to great the world and start your day. You happily transition to daycare and have yet to cry when I drop you off (pleaseneverdothatpleaseneverdothat). In fact, you are starting to cry so rarely. It is reserved for VERY hungry or middle of the night when you need to be heard :)
You are still sleeping through the night about 60% of the time. I'll take those odds. But last night, apparently you wanted to see the world 3 whole times at night. Yay for you :P
Things you can do:
Roll from tummy to back
You are SOCLOSE to back to tummy
You can grab toys purposefully and do what they require (pull, shake, etc)
You can put your pacifier in your mouth (it takes a few backwards tries and maybe an angry shout)
You can hold your bottle! And you LOVE doing it. It doesn't last for *very* long, but you are nearly there.
BOY CAN YOU TALK!!!!!!
I'm convinced your favorite thing on this earth is your puppy. Just seeing her fills you with giggles. She is starting to realize that you will be fun for her soon.
Aunt Ashley has this great phrase on her blog: Remember this. So I wanted to list a few things to be sure I remember.
1. Your droolydrooly smile
2. The way you pop off of the breast when I start talking and gaze up at me with your little face and then break into a smile
3. Your splashtime shenanegins in the bathtub
4. Your 360 rotation on your playmat
And most of all, how much I love you today, and that it will grow times a billion by tomorrow. You are growing, you are perfect, and you are simply, Ours.
We love you Baby Girl.
Thursday, December 1, 2011
Whosah mah baby?
It's like our own special language together. I say those three words in my mommy voice and her eyes light up and her smile falls across her face.
It doesn't take much to make this little girl smile. Her puppy walking by. Her daddy's voice on the phone. A silly phrase, or a bib upturned on her face.
I am amazed by how much she is LEARNING. We play our bib game, and now, she puts the bib there herself. And waits. Because she knows that next, Mommy will flip it down and cry out BOO and she will smile and laugh and the cycle will begin again. She can bring a toy to her, and after a few tries, eventually get it in her mouth. We have started using the simple baby signs around her, and she stares intently at our hands, then looks down at hers, as though she is trying to figure it out but hasn't made the final connection yet.
I was telling my PRIDE students today that her favorite thing to do is hold things. What a life, I quiped, that holding a blanket would be so enjoyable. But she does love to hold things. Our family photos would have taken 20 minutes less time if she hadn't continuously grabbed and pulled the blankets from underneath her.
My favorite time is the morning, when she wakes up on her own, because she is so happy. I sneak in and undo the first part of her swaddle. Her arm immediately stretches to the sky. I pull out the second part and the other arm goes up and her back arches and she strettttttches. I take her to her changing table to begin the diaper change and her little eyes blink open, halfway at first, then all the way. And her smile easily washes across her face as we lock eyes, and I know she is saying, "Why Good Morning, Momma!" She giggles throughout the change--I don't know if she anticpates bathtime each time, or if she truly loves getting dressed after, but its apparently hilarious. Then she snuggles into my breast for breakfast, undoubtedly unleashes an explosive poop, and pops off. Then, she chats endlessly until Daddy comes in to take her for her next change, and that smile, that face-enveloping smile once again dances across her cheeks for him.
She is so smiley. She is so happy and talkative. This little girl is so much fun and I can't wait to see what tomorrow brings.
It doesn't take much to make this little girl smile. Her puppy walking by. Her daddy's voice on the phone. A silly phrase, or a bib upturned on her face.
I am amazed by how much she is LEARNING. We play our bib game, and now, she puts the bib there herself. And waits. Because she knows that next, Mommy will flip it down and cry out BOO and she will smile and laugh and the cycle will begin again. She can bring a toy to her, and after a few tries, eventually get it in her mouth. We have started using the simple baby signs around her, and she stares intently at our hands, then looks down at hers, as though she is trying to figure it out but hasn't made the final connection yet.
I was telling my PRIDE students today that her favorite thing to do is hold things. What a life, I quiped, that holding a blanket would be so enjoyable. But she does love to hold things. Our family photos would have taken 20 minutes less time if she hadn't continuously grabbed and pulled the blankets from underneath her.
My favorite time is the morning, when she wakes up on her own, because she is so happy. I sneak in and undo the first part of her swaddle. Her arm immediately stretches to the sky. I pull out the second part and the other arm goes up and her back arches and she strettttttches. I take her to her changing table to begin the diaper change and her little eyes blink open, halfway at first, then all the way. And her smile easily washes across her face as we lock eyes, and I know she is saying, "Why Good Morning, Momma!" She giggles throughout the change--I don't know if she anticpates bathtime each time, or if she truly loves getting dressed after, but its apparently hilarious. Then she snuggles into my breast for breakfast, undoubtedly unleashes an explosive poop, and pops off. Then, she chats endlessly until Daddy comes in to take her for her next change, and that smile, that face-enveloping smile once again dances across her cheeks for him.
She is so smiley. She is so happy and talkative. This little girl is so much fun and I can't wait to see what tomorrow brings.
Tuesday, November 15, 2011
The power of friendship
Not too long ago, I was struggling--I mean REALLY struggling with lingering thoughts from Evelyn's birth. I couldn't get the feeling of loss out of my head. Not even that the birth didn't go the way I had planned. I could find a way to deal with that. What I hated was that I couldn't remember. I still can't. They had pushed so many drugs into my IV, since I was feeling the surgery, that it knocked me clean out. All I do remember was seeing her in a fog, having no idea where I was, who she was, why Chris was pointing to her, or why I was so cold. Typing it/thinking it still makes me feel queasy, honestly. I don't mind the csection, but I absolutely mind not having that flooding feeling of love and admiration for my baby. Hell, I wish I just knew who she was in that moment. That emotional confliction has been very tough to swallow.
So instead of continuing to suffer alone, I reached out to two friends. Of these two friends, one I have never met.
The one I have never met did everything in her power to reassure me as to the normalcy of my feelings. She too had an unplanned csection. She was aware of the feeling of loss. Just knowing she understood and would take time out of her busy day to talk with me about it started to put a bandaid over my heart. I so appreciate her kindness and love.
The other was my dearest friend Susan, who was at the birth. I confided in her that sometimes I questioned my love for my baby, because I didn't love her right away. I know that not everyone feels that intense love right away--cognizant or not of their surroundings. But I know me. And I know that in my right, undrugged mind, I would have. So I wondered if I didn't love her the way that I should because of it. Susan, in her amazing and thoughtful way, sent me a picture she had taken of me and Evelyn moments after we first met. I don't think I had seen the picture prior to this. And in the accompanying email, she explained that even if I didn't FEEL like I loved her, all she had to do was look at this picture, and look at my face. And all she could see was the pure love of a mother enamoured with her daughter.
That email? Basically changed everything.
Being an OCD control freak, it is difficult when I cannot control situations, emotions, anything. I love control. I thrive on routine. I do not do well with spontaneous situations. All of this comes into play with my guilt regarding Evelyn's birth. I could find ways to deal with that on my own.
But it took these two ladies to remind me, and show me, that even if I was not confident about my emotions, they were normal. And they were clear to observers. And most of all, my baby felt so very loved in the moments following her birth. She was wrapped up in the warmth of her daddy before she was given to me, and she could feel that her mommy loved her. Even if her mommy doesn't quite remember. I am so very thankful to have these wonderful people in my life to remind me when I need reminding and love me when I need love.
So instead of continuing to suffer alone, I reached out to two friends. Of these two friends, one I have never met.
The one I have never met did everything in her power to reassure me as to the normalcy of my feelings. She too had an unplanned csection. She was aware of the feeling of loss. Just knowing she understood and would take time out of her busy day to talk with me about it started to put a bandaid over my heart. I so appreciate her kindness and love.
The other was my dearest friend Susan, who was at the birth. I confided in her that sometimes I questioned my love for my baby, because I didn't love her right away. I know that not everyone feels that intense love right away--cognizant or not of their surroundings. But I know me. And I know that in my right, undrugged mind, I would have. So I wondered if I didn't love her the way that I should because of it. Susan, in her amazing and thoughtful way, sent me a picture she had taken of me and Evelyn moments after we first met. I don't think I had seen the picture prior to this. And in the accompanying email, she explained that even if I didn't FEEL like I loved her, all she had to do was look at this picture, and look at my face. And all she could see was the pure love of a mother enamoured with her daughter.
That email? Basically changed everything.
Being an OCD control freak, it is difficult when I cannot control situations, emotions, anything. I love control. I thrive on routine. I do not do well with spontaneous situations. All of this comes into play with my guilt regarding Evelyn's birth. I could find ways to deal with that on my own.
But it took these two ladies to remind me, and show me, that even if I was not confident about my emotions, they were normal. And they were clear to observers. And most of all, my baby felt so very loved in the moments following her birth. She was wrapped up in the warmth of her daddy before she was given to me, and she could feel that her mommy loved her. Even if her mommy doesn't quite remember. I am so very thankful to have these wonderful people in my life to remind me when I need reminding and love me when I need love.
Monday, November 7, 2011
You are 3 months old!
First of all, you might notice a lack of update from 2 months. Take that as a sign that the window between 1 and 3 months was not your shining moment. But things are much better now :)
So, my darling baby girl, you are 3 months old.
Things you love:
YOURDADDY. Just hearing his voice makes you smile. Mommy is a little (A TON) jealous.
Your nightnight blanket.
Eating. I don't forsee that every changing.
Your friend-light (the chandalier above the changing table)
The bib game with mommy (think "peek-a-boo")
SLEEPING (on most nights).
Did I say eating?
Things you are not too fond of:
The snot sucker (and you are suffering from your first cold)
Waking up in the morning
Getting out of the bath (you would stay in for hours)
Things you can do:
Smile
Talk
Giggle
Roll from tummy to back
Hold your head up with all control
Reach for and hold onto toys
Follow anything with your eyes (your puppy and kitty are your favorite to watch)
Sleep through the night
You are growing and changing every single day. We are amazed at how much you can do. You are starting to get your own little personality, and it is a LOUD one :) You love to make noise, splash around, and be a busy girl. I don't think there will ever be a dull moment with you.
We love you so much, Evelyn, and can't wait to see what the next month will bring!
So, my darling baby girl, you are 3 months old.
Things you love:
YOURDADDY. Just hearing his voice makes you smile. Mommy is a little (A TON) jealous.
Your nightnight blanket.
Eating. I don't forsee that every changing.
Your friend-light (the chandalier above the changing table)
The bib game with mommy (think "peek-a-boo")
SLEEPING (on most nights).
Did I say eating?
Things you are not too fond of:
The snot sucker (and you are suffering from your first cold)
Waking up in the morning
Getting out of the bath (you would stay in for hours)
Things you can do:
Smile
Talk
Giggle
Roll from tummy to back
Hold your head up with all control
Reach for and hold onto toys
Follow anything with your eyes (your puppy and kitty are your favorite to watch)
Sleep through the night
You are growing and changing every single day. We are amazed at how much you can do. You are starting to get your own little personality, and it is a LOUD one :) You love to make noise, splash around, and be a busy girl. I don't think there will ever be a dull moment with you.
We love you so much, Evelyn, and can't wait to see what the next month will bring!
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